From the Mind of Mad Man

Today is a day I feel like I can use a bottle of whiskey and a gun. Leaving the house makes me feel like I'm trapped in a box of commercialism, and bullshit. Work sucks, I feel like I rob people of hundreds, sometimes thousands of dollars in fee money just to place them in an apartment. I hate feeling like I'm taking advantage of people, yet in my profession, that is how I feel. I feel like a male whore. I guess that's a gigolo, a male whore is a gigolo. But that is what I feel like. A big fat rat, when at the end of the day, no matter how much cheese you make, you're still a rat. Well this rat has no cheese, no crackers, and worst of all, no money. Bills are piled up and backed up. Money is owed to all sorts of companies, banks, friends and even the government. It's like who don't I owe something too? It's frustrating and when you are constantly asking yourself "Why am I here?" should you continue to stay where you are? Is being around friends, more important than doing what is right? Is swallowing my pride a better answer? I'm sure it is, but today feels like a whiskey and a gun chaser kind of day. I would never do it. I'm not that type, but feeling like I'm in financial quicksand and can't get out of it and it is tiresome. I'm letting it effect my health, my relationships, and my mental state. I'm living in squalor both in my personal and my professional life. My heart failure was supposed to be a wake up call, yet I feel more and more like a zombie daily. Just going through the motions. Looking for the daily scraps of brains to keep me going another day. I am the start of the zombie apocalypse, all the debtors of the nations, are the zombies. We just don't know it yet. So here's to you Jack, and you too MR. Smith & Mr. Wesson, may you never be in my hands, when I'm feeling like this.

My New Favorite

Long pale hair,
raspy voice,
twinkle in your eyes.
We'll always have The Buk,
and open ice hits.
Wile sharing stories of innocence
and mischief alike.
You challenge me
like no other.
Pushing me in direction,
to make me a better me.
See it's not always about you.
The stories we share,
I shall treasure.
This past stormy week,
even your Uvula was under the weather.
But we've managed,
and even Sam likes me.
I guess that must say something,
good about me.
Now back to you,
after a word from our sponsors,
60 and 90 Minute Pale ales,
do pale to compare.
In your eyes,
I tend to stare.
I'll read my words to you,
then claim I win.
But I know deep down inside,
you'll always be the winner,
and always my new favorite.

Inspired by Vedder

I really dig the new Eddie Vedder song _ Longing to Belong. It led me to write this.

I've never belonged
even when I was "In."
I've only lost the battles,
that I've always tried to win.
Happy ending, only exist
in movies and massage parlors.
If you let yourself linger long enough
you'll only sit in squalor.
Longing to belong is all
we want to do.
Happiness and happy endings
with someone just like you.

Shhhhh Listen

Wandering eyes
cool breeze
Listen to the crickets chirp
and the cicada's sing
Stars shine bright,
Venus in the West
Listen to the sounds
of someone taking deep breaths.

Never, Ever, Ever

Wonders I never knew
Like the dreams I have of you
Like the glimmer I see in your eyes
as I hold you at arms length, I cry
As each day, keeps passing me by
And I wonder why, oh why?
So I let her slip away
When I really care
what you have to say.

Airport

Don't let me go round
on this carousel of life one more time.
Please someone grab my handle
As I'm tired of being unclaimed luggage.

Seeing Through it All.

I wrote this the night before I went in the hospital.


Wheels spinning, running, twisting, turning
but never going anywhere.
Stuck in gear. No matter if it's forwards or reverse.
And I wouldn't be here today, w/o the universe at play
with my emotions and well being.
Feeling like an alien being in my own body.
Lots of sorrow, tied up inside me.
But it's all starting to show through.
People asking, "What's wrong with you?"

But I felt you slipping away,
but I just had no words to say.
I had no odes of happiness to sing to you.
I have no words of wisdom, to stop your feet from running in quicksand.
I wish I knew, how to get through.
To break the walls of anger, and pain.
Because danger, was once my middle name.
Now all I do is wallow in pain.
Caused by my own decisions,
but also by the hands of fate.

Friends

Yes girl,
I tell you this too,
shall pass.
You don't have to
look at the Other side
to see the greener grass.
We, just have to
take this
daily miracle
and receive
Open our hearts,
even to those
who deceive
Because in the end,
true friends will stay,
but the fake,
shall fall away.
The True,
listen to all,
we have to say.
To this we pray,
spirit in the sky,
gives us one
more
day.