King

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What's Wrong?

As days seemingly keep rolling into one another, I'm not sure if the days are getting longer, or my life is getting shorter. More likely a combination of both. I'm not sure if I'm feeling this way because of the impending trip to see Vader? More likely due to me not being very social, outside of social networks. To wrapped up in the world of the web, and all the slinging it brings. Those damn world wide webs, snare me in their net, trap me in the books of face, and the damn world of the blue bird, not to be confused with the blue pill, which I've never taken, but not opposed to trying. Thank Allah, praise be upon him, that I'm not into that Warcrafting World. I was once almost caught in it's loop. But their are far more evils then MMO's and Internet sites with movies made about them. Evils like the John Birch Society, Christian and Muslim and any sort of fundamentalist you can think of, hate speech (As free as it is), not allowing gays in the military, or caring about what gay people want to do. Protesting military funnels, no matter what you opinion is of the military, an those who serve. It's the Rebecca Black's and the Lil' Wayne's and Nickleback's ruining music. It's everyone and anyone with an opinion, and a blog on something, even if they don't care about it, they can still write about it. Kind of like what I'm doing right here, right now. Right, and bitching and bitching, while I'm writing, and drinking, always drinking, helps the writing. But my brain is on overdrive right now, but the bar is not an ideal desk. It's a little difficult to type, Yes, I'm typing in a bar. I'm writing in a bar. Many writers do it. Many much more accomplished than me. Accomplished, HA! I haven't accomplished anything in writing, except to be annoying and sound like a whining teenager. A grown ass man complaining like a teenager. Go figure, but why grow up, when I can live while I'm young. But what is living? Is living sitting in front of your computer listening to music, fucking around, watching stolen downloads of movies or worse bad television? There is living to be done, and you still hang on a computer. You still just visit one bar. It's my favorite I know, but 3 - 4 times a week? It's not a problem (or a lie) if you believe in it….right George Costanza?

sleath

I too fell asleep, now awake, or so I think. The daze I'm in could still be from slumber, yet it resembles death very much.

Love from a Helpless Romantic

This was a saved draft I didn't realize was never posted.

I know that love is not
about finding the right person,
but creating a right relationship.
It is not about how much
love you have in the beginning,
but how much love you build until the end.

If it is meant to be,
our hearts will find each other when we meet.
And if our hearts melt together,
so will our bodies and souls.
Every word and every touch
will fuel our passion flame.
I will be yours and you will be mine,
and together we will be one.

What is more important, the love you share,
the memories you have, or the lover?
Give love a chance to swallow you up.
Don't just think it will happen in an instant,
it will surprise you before you know it,
but it will be the most rewarding experience
you will ever have.

From the Mind of Mad Man

Today is a day I feel like I can use a bottle of whiskey and a gun. Leaving the house makes me feel like I'm trapped in a box of commercialism, and bullshit. Work sucks, I feel like I rob people of hundreds, sometimes thousands of dollars in fee money just to place them in an apartment. I hate feeling like I'm taking advantage of people, yet in my profession, that is how I feel. I feel like a male whore. I guess that's a gigolo, a male whore is a gigolo. But that is what I feel like. A big fat rat, when at the end of the day, no matter how much cheese you make, you're still a rat. Well this rat has no cheese, no crackers, and worst of all, no money. Bills are piled up and backed up. Money is owed to all sorts of companies, banks, friends and even the government. It's like who don't I owe something too? It's frustrating and when you are constantly asking yourself "Why am I here?" should you continue to stay where you are? Is being around friends, more important than doing what is right? Is swallowing my pride a better answer? I'm sure it is, but today feels like a whiskey and a gun chaser kind of day. I would never do it. I'm not that type, but feeling like I'm in financial quicksand and can't get out of it and it is tiresome. I'm letting it effect my health, my relationships, and my mental state. I'm living in squalor both in my personal and my professional life. My heart failure was supposed to be a wake up call, yet I feel more and more like a zombie daily. Just going through the motions. Looking for the daily scraps of brains to keep me going another day. I am the start of the zombie apocalypse, all the debtors of the nations, are the zombies. We just don't know it yet. So here's to you Jack, and you too MR. Smith & Mr. Wesson, may you never be in my hands, when I'm feeling like this.

My New Favorite

Long pale hair,
raspy voice,
twinkle in your eyes.
We'll always have The Buk,
and open ice hits.
Wile sharing stories of innocence
and mischief alike.
You challenge me
like no other.
Pushing me in direction,
to make me a better me.
See it's not always about you.
The stories we share,
I shall treasure.
This past stormy week,
even your Uvula was under the weather.
But we've managed,
and even Sam likes me.
I guess that must say something,
good about me.
Now back to you,
after a word from our sponsors,
60 and 90 Minute Pale ales,
do pale to compare.
In your eyes,
I tend to stare.
I'll read my words to you,
then claim I win.
But I know deep down inside,
you'll always be the winner,
and always my new favorite.

Inspired by Vedder

I really dig the new Eddie Vedder song _ Longing to Belong. It led me to write this.

I've never belonged
even when I was "In."
I've only lost the battles,
that I've always tried to win.
Happy ending, only exist
in movies and massage parlors.
If you let yourself linger long enough
you'll only sit in squalor.
Longing to belong is all
we want to do.
Happiness and happy endings
with someone just like you.

Shhhhh Listen

Wandering eyes
cool breeze
Listen to the crickets chirp
and the cicada's sing
Stars shine bright,
Venus in the West
Listen to the sounds
of someone taking deep breaths.

Never, Ever, Ever

Wonders I never knew
Like the dreams I have of you
Like the glimmer I see in your eyes
as I hold you at arms length, I cry
As each day, keeps passing me by
And I wonder why, oh why?
So I let her slip away
When I really care
what you have to say.

Airport

Don't let me go round
on this carousel of life one more time.
Please someone grab my handle
As I'm tired of being unclaimed luggage.

Seeing Through it All.

I wrote this the night before I went in the hospital.


Wheels spinning, running, twisting, turning
but never going anywhere.
Stuck in gear. No matter if it's forwards or reverse.
And I wouldn't be here today, w/o the universe at play
with my emotions and well being.
Feeling like an alien being in my own body.
Lots of sorrow, tied up inside me.
But it's all starting to show through.
People asking, "What's wrong with you?"

But I felt you slipping away,
but I just had no words to say.
I had no odes of happiness to sing to you.
I have no words of wisdom, to stop your feet from running in quicksand.
I wish I knew, how to get through.
To break the walls of anger, and pain.
Because danger, was once my middle name.
Now all I do is wallow in pain.
Caused by my own decisions,
but also by the hands of fate.

Friends

Yes girl,
I tell you this too,
shall pass.
You don't have to
look at the Other side
to see the greener grass.
We, just have to
take this
daily miracle
and receive
Open our hearts,
even to those
who deceive
Because in the end,
true friends will stay,
but the fake,
shall fall away.
The True,
listen to all,
we have to say.
To this we pray,
spirit in the sky,
gives us one
more
day.

Big Top

She belongs to the wind,
she's as free as a breeze
and when I see her smile,
you know I drop to my knees
Cause baby you don't know it,
but you've got a hold of me
But I'm too far gone,
from where I need to be.....

As she belongs to no one
And she's free as the breeze
As I wonder what to do?
all I see is the beauty in you,
As all the full moons pale to compare
but all I want is your love to share.

In the circus of love
under the fallen Big Top.

YOU

Is it because I miss you
when I close my eyes?
As I realize as time flies bye....
That we are meant to be
both physically and spiritually
Helping each other
through our pain
holding one another
knowing no one is to blame
moving on and not looking back
because when I close my eyes,
it's you looking back.

Mother Nature

Forces of nature
hear them blow
tress wrap against windows
eerie sounds we don't know
as we look out the windows
at the papers as they blow
trash is thrown up in a whirl
in twister of emotion
released to the world
shredded and in pain

Infinite Sadness

Sit and stare,
start to cry.
Stop and think,
wonder why?
There are no blue pills,
to get me by.
So I sit and smoke
my troubles away,
but low-and-behold
they're still there
the next day.

Oysters Anyone?

Will I die alone
with no one,
and no where
to call home?
Or will I open up my eyes,
looking, it's not a surprise,
that the world
is my oyster,
if I let it be.

Wake the Fuck Up!

There is no life without love.
At least none worth living.
There isn't a woman,
I haven't met that that I haven't loved,
for 5 minutes to 10 years.
But people have a way
of blinking,
and missing the moment,
even when it slaps them silly.
But if you meet a beauty who
blesses you with her beauty and a kiss,
you kiss her back, because you don't know
where the moment will take you.

Growing Up

Whose heart will be broken today?
While I try and mend,
try and figure out which direction,
life's highway wants me to travel.
Mending the holes
left by the stolen street signs of life.
Potholes, seldom patched, making
life's journey bumpier and bumpier.
Road trips leave new mental Polaroids.
But the journey back home
will always be filled with potholes and speed bumps.

Inner Reflection

In my life
it's the little things
I need to see through,
Addicted to everything,
addicted to everyone
but you.....The Truth

Soup kitchen

So here I am mon frere
and please try not to steer
As I pretend to
try and not care
Who you are and
who you been with
Words of caution stop
acts of sin.
As I lay here,
you win.
the battle of the mind
forward, backwards
always in rewind
struggling to make ends meet
while trying not to beat
oneself to a pulp
while just trying to bring
some good luck
but always, always ending up stuck.

To My Friend.

Crying eyes, and wounded knees.
Leave us feeling unachieved.
But rejoice in the stories told
and always remember those lives we've lost.
Know each is a precious gift
no matter what they cost,
they'll always give you a lift.
So brush yourself off,
and keep on keeping on,
smile brightly, and hold your head high,
then you'll always know
it's okay to cry.

A Smile on the Train

Stealing looks
Little glances
Hoping that our
Eyes meet by chance
Eyes are embracing
Always chasing
Times a wasting
Why are we always waiting?

A fun challenge

Wandering minds start to wonder
why pirates, rape, pillage and plunder?
Why oceans are polluted by the masses?
where are all the honey bee's, why all the lapses?
What's will all the earthquakes?
And crazy weather, why does Mother Nature have to hate?
Can't we all just masterbate?
That would surely make us all happy.
Maybe end the papal making little boys feel crappy?
And then we could all be Sarah Palin
traveling the country, giving speeches, wondering who she's banging?
But these are just the thoughts of a wandering mind.
Imagine if I could get it together?
Oh what a time!

Hoodie

Why do you hide?
She asked him?
It protects me, my hood,
it wraps me and shrouds me from the outside.
I let in what I want to.
So it is a defense mechanism? she asks.
Yes, in some ways it is.
She interjects, But I wasn't talking of your hood.
Oh, well my my hood is my metaphor for life.
So if you ask why I hide, I'll simply refer you to my hood.
Or my hat. Either one, I can hide within.
I like hiding. It's safe.
Will you ever come out? She asks with a glimmer of hope......
I don't know. Part of me wishes I could live in my hood.
But much of life would be missed living in the hood.

WASH ME

Emotions, like words written in dirt,
on the back of trucks
can be washed away,
with a good cleansing rain.
A rain known often
falls down bearded cheeks
clearing the mind,
what is left of it.

The Brute

I'm am the Brute,
that gathers the white horses you ride on.
I am the plowman in the fields,
tanning my skin, and cracking my hands,
so you have nourishment on your plate.
I am the shepherd watching over the flock,
keeping the wolves at bay.
I am a man, tall in stature,
but much shorter on the finer things that life has to offer.
I am a simple man, in search of a complex woman.
To help make me grow,
to see heights I've never known.

The Red Button

Self destructing,
but no one else can see
Self destructing,
I've got no one else to blame
but me.
When will I see,
all the potential that could be?
Rising up to be the better man,
instead of reaching out
for a helping hand.
This person will self-destruct in.....
5...4....3....2......1......

Change....change....change....

Brother can so spare some change?
Says the man to me as he shakes his Dunkin Donuts cup.
Sorry sir, maybe on my way back.
But will I be back?
How soon will it be
Until I am just like him?
Reaching out my own hand.
Wondering where my next meal will come from?
If I will be able to enter a shelter
or will I be forced into the subway system, totally off the grid?
Falling down on bended knee
Wondering Lord why me?
How did it all turn so bad?
When exactly did I go mad?
Crazy with good intentions
But never learning from past lessons.

Looking Back While Moving Forward

For the first time I was referred to as a poet/writer this weekend. I really like the sound of that. I am a poet, a writer. Maybe not a good one, but an aspiring one who shouldn't be afraid of being just that.....a poet or a writer. So, this is what came of the thought of being one.


You don't have to tell me you love me
You don't have to tell me you care
B/c I already know,
when I look over my shoulder you're just not there.

As hazel eyes disappear in a blink
Closing the windows to your soul.
So now I’ll just look away
And realize today is not the day.

No more knives in backs
No more theater of the mind.
Still want to get to know you
And grow as friends
Together, over time.

Not

She loves me,
She loves me not......
she loves me not.
Whether it's because
I've got no direction
or b/c I smoke pot?
She loves me not.

Long day

There was a time
this fool knew,
what he was here to do.
But now I wonder,
stop and stare.
Trying to figure out
how did I get here?

Metamorphosis

Endless time flies
While butterflies hatch from
cocoons ruining trees of beauty

Midnight wandering mind

Can't sleep. Too much on my mind.
Can't write. Don't know how to creatively express
what I am feeling and thinking.
Too much for words. Tears express my feelings,
but nothing can express my thoughts.
Yet there is only one thing that can
stop my mind, and that is me.
I need to slow down. Calm my mind and breathe.
But my heart is saddened
by all the pain
that my family is in.
Feeling helpless is not
an easy thing for me.
The one who always tries
to play the protector.
But this, this is not easy.
Terminal is terminal.
No matter how you sugar coat it
or IV drip it into you.
So for now sleepless nights.
Long days, and an unpleasant journey.
Will wonders never cease?

FUCK CANCER

FUCK IT!!!!!!!!!

"Good people loose.
Good people are chickens waiting to be plucked.
They're lower to the ground.
Much easier to be stepped on
and broken and stolen from." - Lou - from Rescue Me

That is all for now!

Ramblings

5-26-09 - In the Car

Some of the best
days I've had,
was when I turned the
pages of the past
and left them behind.
No fast forward,
no rewind. Books on tape
have not ruined
my ability to turn pages.
Stories are to be told.
Both memories new and old.
But love is a dual
not to be played
by those thought a fool.

A New Around the Way Girl (Tribute to LL)

So I had the L.L. Cool J song "Around the Way Girl" in me head the other day in the shower. So I thought of a new version (very short) while in the shower, but to the music of L.L.'s song.


I want a shorty
to walk by my side.
Locked arm and arm,
together in beat and in stride.
A little cutie who's beauty
is beyond skin deep..
So much beauty, I almost weep.
As she approaches everything
with a smile,
so much so it picks me up once and a while.
That is why I must say, your smile is the sunshine,
but it's you that brightens up my day.

JSN

Twinkle

Reading messages in constellations
twinkling ideas of hope
glimmering down upon us.
There, all the answers
are for the taking.

External Hard Drive Needed (incomplete)

There is so much going on in this coconut I call my head, that I really need an external hard drive to download my brain into and start fresh with a new operating system.

I've drawn sketches
of you in my mind.
Sketches I've gone
over a million times.
Each new pencil mark
on my mental canvas
comes out different
than before.
But the beauty
is always the same.

Exactly What I Need

I need a switch!
Yes, that is what I need.
For if I had a switch,
I could turn off my brain
and make it stop indeed.

My switch would keep my mind
from doing all these
"mental gymnastics".
The twirling and tumbling
of thoughts, ideas and concepts
vaulting uncontrollably towards a
new thought that keeps my brain twirling
and tumbling.

But, if I had a switch,
I'd turn my brain off for a while.
Hoping in the process,
that I would not forget
that I'd used my switch
and my brain was off.
I would hate to forget
to turn my brain back on.

Too much time spent alone,
with no switch,
leaves the current of thoughts
constantly on.

Short & Sweet

No more poor me,
rising up to be a man,
hoping one day you'll
take hold of my hand,
as you already have.....my heart.

From a Dream I Had

This came to me in a dream lat night, so woke up and wrote down all I could remmeber. IT was a vivd dream. I wish I could have remembered more of it.


Grains of sand blow across dunes piled high
As sun beats down on weathering skin,
aging cracked lips.
Man plods his way
as sidewinders slither their way by him.
They look up only to
feign a hiss of warning.
Suns heat doesn't afford
the exertion of energy.

Past - Future = Present

I've let go of the past
now I see much clearer.
No longer trapped in my mind,
able to think without fear.
Ships still sail through rough seas,
still hear demons dangling my trinkets.
Charms breaking free, escaping bracelets,
while climbing out windows left open.
Seeking freedom on new bracelets, how ironic.
If we want ourselves to be so free,
why do we hold on to possessions?
That's just part of life's lessons....
Let go of all things in the past,
and don't look to the future,
as then the present becomes the past,
leaving only the past
to last.

Soundtrack to a Life - work in progress

Boom Bap, Boom Bap
the jazz, blues, rap, rock and raggae
concert flows in his head.
Beep bopping, marching to
others drums, guitars and cymbols.
Always a concert, always noise
never a settled clear mind.
Static fills the void
left in the middle
leaves him walking in candance
to the rhythmic sounds.
Concerts with only one spectator
fall on deaf ears,
and one man's shoulders.

Currents of Fate

Someday we’ll be fish swimming in the same pond
But until that day, friends
Some day soon we will encounter
The wonderful energy of one another
Swimming in the vast sea of tranquility
In and out of the seaweed we’ll play
In search of the perfect conch to call home
Two fish swimming from the school of hard knocks
Forming new schools of the happy present

We attack like Beta’s, b/c we are fighting fish by nature
Or have we been forced into the role of protector and savior
When it is our souls, our hearts that need to be saved
Yet still we struggle up-stream, fighting the currents of fate

So we keep swimming searching for that perfect conch
So we can spiral in and out of happiness

From a Lost Notebook

This is in my poetry notebook that has been misplaced, so I've titled it accordingly. This is what I've remembered from it in the shower this morning.


Those scarred in youth,
deserve the wisdom and spoils of the elders.
While sowing the seeds of happiness and change
over the inner fields of turmoil,
we pass on love, we pass on forgiveness
while time heals all wounds,
will all wounds heal in time?

When touched by the hand of fate
do we understand it's touch?
Wisdom abound, the beholden are stricken by the sun.
The seeds of change we need to bee
as we fly to the new flowers nectar
And wounds never cease to amaze
after we've healed,
and have run life's maze.

The Artist

Seeing many sunrises leads to long days

Days of memories of purple and pink colors

Yellows and oranges mixing on the horizon

Like paints on the artist's palette

They form new colors and new memories

Each day brings with it something different

Like a finger print

Never two being the same

One day the sun brought something new to me

A new memory that I wanted to keep remembering

A new color to add to my palette

And I called that color friendship

That color eventually bleed into a yet another new memory

And I called it happiness

So now I have this friendship, this happiness, and I mix them together on my palette

And I called it you

You the wonderful new memory,

the new color,

the new friend.

Here For You - A Song

Okay, this has been a work in progress for a bit. I've just finished tweaking it, and now am going to put it to music. It was a poem that turned into a song, but I'm not sure on the chorus' Any thoughts/suggustions are well appreciated. It will be done to an accoustic guitar track.

She don’t drive 55
in her car or in life
She can’t slow down,
b/c when she does she starts to cry
and I’m here for her…..
Like I always was……
And I was will be…….

She knows I’m good
But can’t let go
She’s set inside
But she always cries
As she’s looking back
To how it used to be….
And I’m here for her….
like I always was….
And I always will….

Life’s a journey not to be traveled alone
I’ll open up my arms and you can call it home
And I’m here for you….
Just like I always was….
And I always will……

Holding on and can’t let go
We’ll take our time and go real slow
Walking tall hand-in-hand
You’ll be my woman,
I’ll be your man,
And I’m here for you….
Just like I always was….
And I always will….

Sitting still I take you hand
Looking in your eyes
You’ll understand
That I’m here for you….
Like I always was….
And I always will….

B/c she can’t drive 55 in her car or in life
But if she could
She’d see right now
That I’m here for her….
Like I always was….
And I always will.

Peek-A-Boo

There you are.
You've been gone for so long.
I'm happy to see you've returned.
I'm used to seeing you upside down.
Not used to seeing teeth or
an upward wrinkle in my cheek.
Who knows, sometimes maybe even a dimple or two?
Hello Smile.
How I've missed you.
How happy I am to know you still exist.
I thought I had forgotten you.
Or better yet, you had forgotten me.
But I'm glad that is not the case.
For I've missed you, but now I'm glad you're back.
I thought I had forgotten you,
but there you are, right in front of me.

11:11 More Than a Wish Making Time

So this isn't me, but about me. I've been seeing 11:11, or 1:11 everyday. Most days both times in the day/night I see it. It's been happening for a good 6 months or so. To the point where it's freaky. So I started to do some research into it, and well I'm not the only one. The whole 11:11 phenomenon is being written aboout by so many people in so many different ways. But one of the things that strikes me is the following. It was taken from http://www.urigeller.com/articles/11.htm

A trigger of remembrance

For many years the numbers 11:11 have been mysteriously appearing to people all over the world. Often appearing on digital clocks, the sightings of 11:11 tend to occur during times of heightened awareness, having a most powerful effect on the people involved. This causes a reactivation of our cellular memory banks. There’s a stirring deep inside, a hint of remembrance of something long forgotten. The appearance of 11:11 is also a powerful confirmation that we are on the right track, aligned with our highest Truth. Throughout the years, I have personally encountered thousands of people all over the world who, have experienced repeated sightings of 11:11. They all want to know what is happening to them and why. What does the 11:11 signify?
11:11 is a pre-encoded trigger placed into our cellular memory banks prior to our descent into matter which, when activated, signifies that our time of completion is near. This refers to the completion of duality. When the 11:11 appears to you, it is your wake-up call. A direct channel opens up between you and the Invisible. When this happens, it is time to reflect on whatever you are doing for a moment and Look Larger. A transfer is in position. You can enter the Greater Reality if you wish pray or meditate and seed your future and also, you can be seeded by the Invisible. You can ask for help in some specific area of your life or simply listen quietly and receive a revelation. The appearance of 11:11 is an always beneficial act of Divine Intervention telling you that it is time to take a good look around you and see what is really happening. It’s time to pierce the veils of illusion that keep us bound to an unreal world. You have been chosen, because you are ready, to step into the Greater Reality. To lead the way for others into a new way of living, into a Greater Love. To ascend from duality into Oneness.
The 11.11 is the bridge to our vitality and oneness. It is our pathway into the positive unknown and beyond.
The Doorway the 11: 11
This can presently be perceived as a crack between two worlds.
It is like a bridge which has the inherent potential of linking together two very different spirals of energy.
As we unite together as One, bringing together our fragments of the key,we not only create the key, but we make visible the Doorway.
Thus this bridge functions as an invisible door or a doorway into the Invisible realm.
The 11:11 is the bridge to an entirely different spiral of evolution.
The symbol of 11:11 was pre-encoded into our cellular memory banks long ago.
Returning our cycle of incarnations upon the Earth. The 11.11 has rested dormantly within us since that faraway position under time-release mechanization, combined with sealed orders which would only open when the 11.11 was fully activated. It has been gently sleeping, awaiting the moment of triggering. And now the 11:11 is finally activated...
11:11 is the pre-encoded trigger and the key to the mysteries of the universe and beyond.
Some of you have recognized this symbol as something of significance, yet have been unaware of its true meaning. With the advent of digital clocks many years ago, the significance of 11:11 began to make itself felt, often appearing on clocks at times of accelerated awareness. For those of you who have know that 11:11 was something special, we now need you to come forth into positions of leadership. For you are important parts of the key.
11 isn't just a precursor to danger etc – it’s the whole point! 1+1 = 2 - unity, togetherness, peace. September 11 was a tragic event - no-one would question that - but if it leads to people realizing that the only way for this race to survive is togetherness and peace, maybe those deaths will not be in vain.

Brain Fart (work in progress)

Held back by
apprehension and fear,
remembering days past,
those problems weren't there.
Used to go on
without a care in the world.
Now, sometimes I feel like
one of Pavlov's rovers,
salivating to the bell being rung.
I've got the universe
tapping me on my shoulder,
telling me I'm on the right path.
Moving through myself,
changing myself,
before I can change the world.

Time Pieces

I will not let time pieces
keep me from completing
my aspirations
keeping me on schedule for
things less important than
me!

I will not let false hopes
of being on time
according to the time pieces
kept by others.
I will make my own.
Live life by my own
keep it for myself
not on my wrist or
in my pocket.

I will keep living my
time on this earth until
the earth tells me
my time is up.

As time waits for no man,
I wait for no time on a man’s hand,
or on his wall.
It’s his way of making me
feel small if I’m late.

So I march to the beat
of a different drum.
That doesn’t make me
feel like a bum
or lesser of a man
for it’s all part of my bigger plan

For you see
when my time is up
no bells, whistles or
alarms will be going off.
My eyes will cease to open,
my lungs will not fill with air
I will not hear the sounds,
that make me laugh and smile
It's then, that I know
I am finally on time.

Thoughts of the Day

Things I miss most
are some of the most
beautiful of all.
The laughter of children playing,
seeing a puppy/kitten chasing it's tail,
the supple spine of a beautiful woman,
standing up for what I believe in,
adhering to the principles I hold dear to me.
those I have lost,
especially you grampa.

Simple, yet so dear to me
I hate to be with without them.
If writing is my salvation,
are these things my inspiration?
If suddenly, the journey to be better
is here, will I loose my muse?
Will I loose my will to write,
my will to share?
I hope to hold these things forever,
because they are so dear.

Work in Progress

This is just pieces of words I'm throwing together to see what it comes out to be.

I sometimes hear spirits
in the wind, asking me
are you your best friend?
But I realize that,
everyone needs to see
in shades of grey,
even if they wear
rose colored glasses.
In this world there are
various stages of grey.
How do we stray
into and out of those areas?
Without getting stuck
in the muck of the middle.
Why isn't everything black and or white?

House Cleaning

Emotions, like tides roll in and out.
Like clock work, they freeze me in my tracks
But, I can't look back
Moving forward,
trying to get to the head of the pack
top dog in the Iditarod of life.

Can't be lead around by those
diggers of buried treasure!
Still wondering,
if it's my heart that has been broken,
or my Ego that has been crushed?
Knowing it's the former, not the latter,
as my Ego would never let me cry.
Like Sting tells us, "Love can mend you,
and love can break your heart."
It's time for me to mend,
my own fences, my own heart.
I hope Mick Jagger was right when he said,
"We all need someone we can lean on."
Right now, I need to lean on ME!

Turmoil Around Me

I'm trying to emancipate myself
from the mentally slavery.
I know only I can free my mind. Bob Marley told me that.
But I say, get out of my head Bob,
get out of my head. Every word you're singing,
I'm already thinking instead.
So I say to you Bob, get out of my head.

I listen to your music
and it pulls me from my dread.
Not the Natty one, you sing about
But I'm still bee-bopping to your Funky Reggae Party.
I am listening as you tell me,
Everywhere there is War,
how we need to stand up
and fight for the poor.
Fight the injustices in this world again
But, EVERYWHERE THERE IS WAR!

I'm just trying to live my life,
Easy Skanking, and smoking on my spliff.
But everywhere around me there is WAR!
I can't love you, like my Guava Jelly,
I can only help those like me,
a life saver for the lives in need of saving.
But it is not an easy thing,
because everywhere and all around me there is WAR!

So I won't listen to those Crazy Baldheads
all around me. The struggle is part of life's journey.
I won't let them chase me out of this town,
I won't let them make me feel like a clown.
But it's not easy b/c
EVERYWHERE around me is WAR!

Thank you Bob for helping me see
that everywhere and everyone
can be at WAR!

Final Word

I had to write a letter

to return a text message

about my EX being back

with her old man.

You mean the one who

used to abuse her, both

verbally and with the

back of his hand?

Yes that's the same.

The one whose place

she said I had taken.

But understand,

that I must have been mistaken.

It's too bad that I 

couldn' t bring home the bacon. 

And all along,

I have a feeling like she was just faking.

Even with empty words

put on pieces of paper

given as gifts. They still

make glasses seem half empty.

Please try and understand

that I am still the same

man I used to be.

Even with all the obstacles

placed in front of me.

Glasses now seen as half full.

No more words given

by scaret letter wearers. 

Work in Progress

This is a work in progress still. So I should finish it up soon.

Drama you say?

But I am no thespian,

although I do like women.

But drama, no I do not like it.

Not in my life, my movies,

or even the theater I see.

I avoid drama so much

my TIVO has been edited.

But somehow drama......

she loves me.

I can be hiding out, 

laying low, or even on the lamb

And she will find me,

hook me, and then

I'm a Greek Tragedy.

I wish comedy loved me.

Because laughing......so much easier than crying!

But comedy, she treats me

as if I don't exist.

Unless you count the fact

that the universe laughs at me.

So in a sense I am it's comedian,

it's court jester if you will.

Silver Medalist

I would never let you down

Especially once I touched your hand

Would you let me down, 

if you could fully understand?

The shadow, the depths,

of my dark gloomy thoughts.

Shinny trinkets make me feel like I'm sold,

but never bought.

Trapped by false hopes,

perpetrated by my own mind.

Aided by your words of encouragement.

How does one deal with always being second best?

Always being told it was never a test.

Knowing, you don't deserve any less

You deserve way more.

Not showing enough people in life the door.

You hold on to tight.

To those blind perceptions of night.

Hoping the boyish charm

will win through, and maybe one day

Someone will choose you.

But until then

what is a boy to do?

He shines his silver medal.

That's second place to me and you.

UPSTAIRS

I wrote this a few years ago, but it plays so much into my life on a daily basis.

I live upstairs

in my two half-spaced rooms

I live upstairs

trapped in my inner self

I live upstairs, with no windows to see out

I live upstairs

with the Id, Ego, SUPER-EGO

I live upstairs, but not above anyone

The space I occupy rests in-between my ears.

Loneliness

Savings the words
I have no way to say.
Hoping you and I
will once again play.
Like the two young
lovers we once were.

Letting people in was never my thing

then you came along 

and inserted your key of light,

into my heart of darkness.

Not knowing what you do,

for it comes naturally to you,

you opened me up once more.

So don't run to

another man's arms,

until you've felt mine

around you one more time.

Don't run to an other's mind,

until you've picked

my brain......one more time.

And please just see me

for who I am.....a caring man!

Gray Haired Man

Here is my smile

my fake window
to my soul.
Happiness is a state
of mind. A state,
I seldom ever find.
Joy in spirit 
is not joy in heart.

Endless nights
without much sleep 
leads to years taken
off of lives
not yet lived.
Knock, knock, knock,
it's Father Time.
No more napping
like a cat
The bear
no longer hibernates
Wide-eyed and bushy-tailed
once more. Finally alert
to the real me.
The power slowly returns
but at what cost?

work in progress

Only knew the pain,
Have only known the stares.
Not knowing laughter, not thinking people care
Tears rolling down cheeks, hit lips as they quiver
causing bodies to shiver.
Arrows from bows,
pierce hearts left wide open
Pain of glitter, pain of light
blocking out laughter,
and walking into night.
The crazy night, with crazy dreams
crazy thoughts, with shrilling screams
nightmare of death, it haunts me
Spector of death......he taunts me.

Forces of Nature

Monsters lurk behind every corner.
Looking for ways to trip people up.
It seems as if our mind
is like a balloon in the wind,
blown here and there
by external circumstances.
With spilled milk being something
to not cry over.
Why are they on the floor?
Both tears and milk.

La Matadora - Work in Progress

Why does the pain linger?
Why does this pain last?
Why is it you, I've decided to hold my smitten gaze upon?
You showed the bull your red cape of love,
and pulled it away, just as the bull charged.
Stabbing him with your saber in his passing.

You left the bull staggering in pain.
Life hanging in peril, the bull is left with two choices;
He can lay down and allow the bull fighter to keep stabbing him
until he is completely drained of his love,
or he can charge the fighter head-on,
win the battle and come out the victor
in this bull fight of love.

Grateful Word Play

Hearts sink like the Titanic,
while the band keeps playing on.
The music never stops,
but our feelings for others do.
If you watch your speed,
you'll leave the trouble behind.
But, don't fall for the trappings of Eve,
like that Ship of Fools.
Just sail away,
before it's later than you think.

Prometheus

Forgive me............
for I used to keep my poetry a secret
but now it seems that the cat is out of the bag.
Pandora's Box of misery
is my box of music.
Trying not to abuse me
or to be used by,
any and all.
Trojan Horses, they sneak into
my soul and empty their contents,
like old pants pockets.
Lost pictures found in lockets,
give me hopes of memories old.
It's time to take hold of the reins,
and pull myself up by the boot straps.
Perhaps,
it's not for me to figure out.
Writing is the outlet,
the chicken soup for my soul.

Overcoming and Reaching Out

People don't know
just how to let go.
When you never know who you are,
But know what you could have been.
It all pours out, when I put paper to pen.
Ride it out to see the end.
Hands reached out, whose the real friend?
But there is another plan, in the palm of my hand.
But I'll be God damned, if I'll give it up.
Trade marked secrets,
minds never leaked this.
Never meeting any equals.
Not having any sequels, cause this is the end of the prequel.
Don't make me sneak who,
I wanna be.
Stop putting the obstacles in front of me.
Over coming hurdles,
while my blood it curdles.
Sometimes it boils, and yet I let it toil,
in the depths of me.
Just because of anger and new found pain.
As all these thoughts enter my brain,
I try and refrain,
to complain,
because it falls on deaf ears.
Yet, I love all my peers to tears.
So I leave you with my sincerest apology.
I don't know what has brought all this out of me?
In my mind's blind eye it's always a struggle,
when words and people float away, like a child's bubbles.

Short Sighted

I feel like my minds eye has been
poked by a stick that has left me blind.
Lost direction, mis-deeds and understandings,
patience worn thin.
The vale of calm has been lifted.
No sunshine getting in.
UV rays, and Purple Haze,
have clouded my mind.
Judgement on myself is hard.
But I'm my own worst critic.
Just let go,
but go slow.
Baby steps, baby steps.
Crawl, then walk......

Errors and Omissions

Life's little purpose it has no meaning,
looking inside myself, not liking the person I'm seeing.
Who is this being?
This reflection in the mirror.
Wishing I could see him a little more clearer.
Stop making wrong choices.
Moving away from the error of my ways.
Searching for days,
while holding on to minutes of the present.
I guess this is my life's sentence.
It's still my struggle to get by.
just life's way of serving me a slice of her humble pie.

Jellyfish

pain lingers and stings
like the burn from a jellyfish
it proves that we're alive and can feel
it proves that we're human, we're real.
when crying happens, it comes on fast
when crying comes, I never want it to last.
it washes away the old, and allows the new in
makes us feel like we can possibly win.

Heart Worn Thin

Feeling empty, now know why
lost girls I liked, is it too manly to cry?
Pain of letting go always remains.
It causes heartache, it causes pain.
Trapped in the illusion of the mind
wondering why I'll keep doing this, time after time?
Don't want anymore trouble,
don't want anymore pain.
Just need some answers,
to help me explain.

A Very Bad Day

Bad thoughts, they well up inside.
For the first time in my life, I really
wanted to die.
I let it all build up, can't take anymore.
Tired of all life's good, showing me
life's door.
Smiles on the outside,
frowns on the in.
When the darkness takes hold,
it's hard for me to win.

Backwards

We still need the rain,
to cleanse the world of it's daily sins.
Clouds clear way to brighter skies
and better days.
Sun shines after rain
causing rainbows in the mist.
As dew drops drip and form
brilliant colors.

Trust Issues

Careful to hold, careful to feel.
Careful to make sure, this time it's real.
Don't want to hurt, don't want to be mad.
Just want to stop, feeling so sad.

Guardian

Moving on to better days,
leads me to see happier rays of light,
keeping my mind in sight.
Holding on to things a little less tight.
Thinking about the plight out of darkness.
Will make some more wrongs, but only want to be right.
Hoping you'll watch over me,
You'll be my ray of light.

Hear me Roar

Lions let out huge roars in pride
Letting the world know
whose world we're
all visiting as we walk by.

Heaven's Gate

If there is a heaven, will I really be let in?
Will God, Jehovah, Allah, forgive me for my sins?
Or will they let the scares of my life
be my penance?
Having that be my final
life's sentence.
Or will they cast me down into despair?
A place so dark and lonely,
but I've already roamed there.

Plasma

Hearts like coconuts,
drip with life's blood
when cracked open
by the machetes of man.

Sadness

Even Fragile flowers
open when sun shines upon them.
While bees move from the bearers of sweet nectar
Stinging bearers of bad news
and the cycle of life ends.

Non-Destruction

Axes cut through wood
easier than fists break through walls.
Hearts break like glasses
stomped on to chants of Mazel Tov!

Auburn

Things too good to be true
are often overlooked.
Why do we fight to force them away?
When sometimes, things are what they seem.
When it is given with good intentions
why is it pushed away?
How do you show love
without pushing love away?

-JSN

New Beginnings

Second guessing my struggles,
wonder why?
Think about them once again,
start to cry.
Holding on maybe a little to tight.
Past failures, always trying to make them right.
Sit and stare, but always still staying there.
Moving on, that's my biggest fear.


-JSN

God's Porn over my pain.

God rains down golden showers.
Like lemon juice, it burns the scares of my past,
and keeps me from moving forward to a better place.
Then I realize I have to take a deep breath,
and watch my step, before I relapse in the abyss of depression.